Charming Serotonin

I guess I have a job now. I was thinking it would be nearly impossible to get back into the full blown swing of things, but I applied and went to introduce myself to the manager and he interviewed me right then and there. I was offered the part time job, and no I have orientation in less than an hour. It's about a 5 minute drive from home. I'm sure I could bike it too if I had to and if the road wasn't so dangerous. I really like this store. It has a lot of the things I am interested in, like scrap-booking materials, organizers in cute styles, unique food and snacks, and housewares in funky styles. I feel like I'll really enjoy it there.

As far as the hours, it's 15 a week. Yeah, I know, that's nothing to some and yeah, it's not a lot.... to me it's a huge step in the right direction. With this job I can at least start seeing if I can take the pressure and stress of a job. If my medication is working when it comes to helping me get out of the house and out of bed and giving me the energy needed to live a typical and successful life. I can't be sitting at home with minimal worries thinking, "Oh yeah, it's working just fine!" and then throw myself into a full blown career path and end up burning out and in the hospital again. That would not be good at all. I want to take this step by step.

Sometimes I feel like people want me to take those steps a bit faster. Like they don't know why I can't just jump instead of scoot. It's like, all the chemicals that make your brain function correctly are your muscles. You can jump with those muscles. You can stand and carry yourself. Well, for us without those muscles, we need to have artificial muscles, or maybe something like bionic legs. It's hard to get around with legs that don't fit too. We need to take it slow until we are sure the legs are a perfect fit and even then we may grow out of them or they may stop working and leave us stuck and helpless. It's hard when you need artificial chemicals for your brain to work. Store bought. You don't know how much you need of what yet until you try out many different ones. It's not like trying on shoes either. It affects your life and the way you function and at times your personality. It affects relationships and ties. It's hard. It's necessary.

I typically wake up at 6am. Today I woke up at 10:30am. I planned on sleeping in, sure, but not really feeling great about it like I thought. I woke up feeling like, hey, sleeping means I don't have to eat or think, so I don't have to cook or think, which means I can't get tired or spiral out of control into a train of thought due for a wreck. CHOO-CHOO! Haha, see what- I did there- never mind.

Maybe I just need to practice controlling my thoughts more. I mean, it's why I write to be completely honest. If I'm thinking about writing I can't think about bad things. I can, but they get written down and not stuck in my head. It probably sounds really weird to others when I say that the thoughts aren't even mine. It is like I have a thought, and it opens the window, and a bunch of foreign thoughts come flying in. Thoughts like "You're so useless and a waste of space", "Just die already", "If you disappeared people would live better lives." Ah, I know those are wrong. I just can't help it.

Right now I'm wondering if I should even be posting this, but that's what I am doing this for. If I open up and let people know what life is like with depression then others can hve an easier time being understood right? That's the goal anyway. Yeah, this is a good thing isn't it?

Ah, well, here it is guys. My mind is so scattered right now. I'm hungry and probably won't eat. I'm not sad or upset. I'm just..... nothing right now. I'm empty.

Have a Selfie